by Christine | Life, Observations
I’m seeing a lot of posts about this topic lately. How kindness and consideration for others seems to have gone by the wayside. Why is that, do you think? Is it because we’re so inward focused? The “Me Generation” overly concerned with getting “their fair share”? I even saw somewhere that, politically, kindness is considered “weakness”. Um, EXCUSE ME?!!! And that helping those less fortunate than ourselves is a political quagmire and politicians should stay away from it. Uh, WHAT THE HECK? (Sorry. Backing away now from the politics.)
Thanks to journeyetc.com for the photo
I find rudeness and lack of courtesy everywhere. On the freeway, where other drivers speed up to prevent you from changing lanes in front of them. In grocery stores, where carts bump into you and the “drivers” of those carts glare, as if you’d jumped in front of them and forced them to hit you. In sports – bounty, anyone? Rudeness on the internet is big business, as well.
Bloggers will slam something – whether it be a book, a political figure (okay, that’s too easy), a TV show, a movie or their neighborhood – and it will go viral. Others will get on the slam-wagon and write things in a blog comment they would never say to someone’s face. That blogger will then get their 15 minutes of blog fame, which was most likely their total intent. But will it last? (Does it ever last?)
Where’s the love? Where’s the joy?
Since I started commuting to work again, I have gone out of my way to do an experiment. I used to be a Type A driver when I commuted, 12 or so years ago – swearing and honking and speeding and tailgating and damn the consequences. I found out a few months ago that I don’t react well to that any more – it makes me angry and my stomach gets tied up in knots. So now, I go out of my way to be kind.
I make sure now to leave a lot of room between me and the car in front of me, so other cars
Thanks to flowerstore.com for the photo
can merge onto the freeway. I put fun music on, not the news – news makes me tense. Country music or hard-driving rock n’ roll will allow me to relax. I’ve been doing this for 7 months, and I find I can enjoy my drive home now.
This experiment has bled into other areas of my life. I let people go in front of me at the grocery store when they only have a couple of items, and I’ve got a full basket. I smile at people I accidently bump into – or almost bump into – and usually get a smile back. I hold doors open at my local coffee shop for men or women with kids and two or three drinks to juggle.
Chores that my boys usually do, I’ll do every now and then to lighten their load. I try to corral my shoes and put them in my closet, rather than sprinkle them all over the house. I pay bills when no one else is around, so I can whimper in private and not disturb anyone. I make breakfasts for whomever is up, and I do my best to make dinner every night – cooking and feeding my family is one of my ways of showing my love. Most of the home stuff is second nature, but every now and then I have to really concentrate on being kind.
It’s not much to ask, really. We can never know the circumstances of someone else’s life; what they’re going through, whether good or bad. We’re all in basically the same boat, after all. Say please and thank you, especially to those you love. Give a smile, a few extra car lengths in front of you, stop to let someone cross the street. It’s not much and yet, it can mean a lot to a complete stranger.
I have one story that illustrates this vividly. It happened to me about ten years ago; I was newly-laid off during the whole dot com bust, and the hubby had taken a day job down in Santa Monica. I had the time, was in the area, so I parked and was going to meet him for lunch.
I wasn’t anything special – I think I was wearing jeans, a tee shirt, maybe a blazer. The sun was shining, there was a light breeze – it was a beautiful autumn day and I was going to see my beloved husband. I guess I was smiling.
I was in the Wilshire Boulevard crosswalk when I noticed a man a half-block north of me. He was staring at me; as I crossed the street, he walked toward me, picking up his pace. I had just turned to go up the steps of my husband’s office building, when he stopped me.
“Excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you.” He looked me in the eyes – an attractive man in his late 30s, business attire -and he said, “But I just had to tell you – you are a beautiful woman.” Then he hurried on his way.
Now, cold reflection says he probably thought I was someone else; but his statement that day made me feel like a beautiful woman. He didn’t have to say it; he could easily have just gone past me without a word. But he took the time to make me – a complete stranger – feel like a million bucks. I absolutely floated the rest of the day, and the memory of that encounter is crystal clear. (I’m interesting – I have “good energy” – but I am Not Beautiful in the classical sense and never have been. And I’m okay with that!)
Being kind should be second nature. It isn’t. How much would the world (or at least our own little corner of it) improve, if we all started being kind? (I am talking about deliberate acts of kindness, not random ones.) I’m certainly not perfect; but I am trying, very hard, to change my ways. Kindness, and with my eyes open (on the one hand, I tend to be overly suspicious; on the other hand, I get sucked in very easily).
What act of kindness impacted your life, that you remember to this day? I’d really love to hear them! Hugs, everyone – hugs!
A couple bloggers that go out of their way to help those around them: check out Jennifer Louden at Dispatches of Love & Insight; and Susannah Conway’s Blog . I’m new to Susannah, but I’m loving what I see.
Coming up this Friday – wine reviews – New Zealand, Italy and South Africa!
by Christine | Observations, Writing
All the advice for writers on the Interwebs has been making my head spin the past year or so, and lately that advice is really getting on my nerves. Advice such as the following:
Blog 3 times a week or more. The more you blog, the more people will come to your website. Twitter twice daily, for at least fifteen minutes each time, but be a real person. Facebook is the way to make friends and informally chat. Become a book bloggers’ best buddy, and they’ll be happy to push your book for you. And don’t forget to comment on every blog you can, every day. Give, give, give your time and energy to your fellow bloggers/authors and they’ll give back. Push your brand!
Self publish, but do it the right way. You don’t want to be a publisher, you just want to write? Grow up, be a big girl, pull up your panties and get over it. With the internet revolution regarding the written word, writers have to do it all now in order to be successful.
Some more tidbits of the revolutionary “truth”: Don’t bother with New York Publishing anymore, they’re the Titanic and they don’t see the iceberg in front of them. Agents? Who needs agents? Please, agents are so Twentieth Century.
All that advice gives me a headache. Plus it makes me feel very alone. I long for the years when it was simpler; when a writer’s job was to write a damn good book, then get an agent, and the agent found you a publisher, and you were half way to a career. Note that I said simpler, not easier.
Is it wrong for me to still want a contract with a big New York publisher? Is it wrong for me to want an agent, someone who will help me, guide me in this new and confusing world? Is it wrong for me to want to work with those professionals who have so much to offer? That’s the message I’m getting from bloggers that I like, trust, and care about, that what I want is wrong – and that makes my stomach hurt.
I’m not denying there’s a revolution. I just want to have tea with the Queen, just once, before her crown is crushed underfoot by the internet.
I feel there is no way I can measure up to the “new” way of publishing and the social media expectations. Thinking about all the things I “should” be doing (other than writing) is draining, especially since I have a full time job and a family (and no assistant, no trust fund, no financial safety net, and most importantly, no backlist). Doing all the social media stuff has become a chore, where it used to be fun. (I miss my 1k1hr buddies on Twitter!)
Even writing became a bit of a grind for awhile. In a fit of desperation, I talked to
- “…a fierce, take-charge Aluna is the kind of heroine who is easy to get behind.” Publisher’s Weekly
Jenn Reese, a lovely writer who was one of the very first to encourage me, all those years ago. I had a story that I liked that I was working on, but the plot seemed to be missing (maybe because I was trying to squeeze writing in between bouts of Facebook and Twitter).
She asked me why I was drawn to write in that world. And she gave me a homework assignment, to write a list of everything about that world that I was passionate about, that I wanted to write about.
The list flowed. Writing became exciting again. After Tai Chi on Saturday, and over yummy sandwiches at Bun Me, she pressed the point home to me. Write what you’re passionate about, she said. Don’t write to the market. Don’t force a genre on the book. If you know the book’s ending, you’re half way to a solid plot (so many books don’t follow through on their opening). Most of all, keep going!
In thinking about her advice, I realized it could also be applied to social media for the writer. So here’s my personal Writer’s Manifesto, that I’m sure will get tweaked as I go along:
Be passionate about your work, and that includes social media. Don’t do what you’re not comfortable with. If you get in too deep, excuse yourself and get back out (this includes participating in group blogs, volunteering for your writer’s group, or anything else that doesn’t focus you on your own writing).
Follow your dreams, whether that is a contract with a New York publisher, getting an agent, or self-publishing a book every other month. Make sure those ARE your dreams though, and not dreams thrust upon you by well-meaning bloggers that you know, like, and trust. (Because their dreams ARE NOT your dreams, though they may look similar.) Above all? Focus on writing that you are passionate about, and then send it out into the world.
I realize I’m probably in the minority, wishing the publishing world wasn’t changing so rapidly. Like so many other big businesses, it’s an effed-up industry and has been for a long time; but it was effed up in a way I understood. This new world is one I don’t fully trust, and while I’ve learned a lot in the past 18 months, I am still going to reach for my personal brass ring.
I don’t want to be my own publisher; I want a knowledgable partner to help me through the publishing business. If that makes me seem like an ostrich with my head in the sand, so be it.
- thanks to natureartists.com Peter Hall “Ostrich Dance”
But I’d much rather believe I’m an ostrich, dancing.
by Christine | Life, Observations
Today was the perfect gardening day. We headed out about 3pm, a bag of 65 bulbs in hand and trowels at the ready. Within 3 minutes, we realized we had a bigger problem – weeds.
Weeds, and the I-can’t-believe-I-planted-it-because-it-takes-over-the-whole-yard morning glory. The twice-damned vine was EVERYWHERE. In the apple tree. Twining around the berry bushes. Hiding behind the tomato pots in the weeds, and making plans for taking over the center of the yard. (Some of my tomato plants have wintered over…I ate a cherry tomato yesterday, fresh from the vine and bursting with flavor. Yum!)
Anyway – back to the weeds. Being the enterprising couple that we are, we roused our boys from their hermit-like hiding in their rooms, and put them to work. We have two “official” garden cans, and two cans we use to put the leftovers that we can’t stuff into the official cans. The boys (young men?) pitched in and filled both sets of cans while weeding out empty planting beds, and taking care of the weeds trying to hide the artichoke plants. (We’re up to six on artichoke plants, if anyone is keeping track.)
While waiting for the opportunity to plant, and to stay out of the guys’ way, I got the big clippers out and de-branched the christmas tree. The trunk now waits for one of the kids to saw it up, and the branches await the fireplace. Plus, the yard is a little bit cleaner.
Once the weeds were taken care of, we could plant. Out of the 65 bulbs, hubby planted probably 35. Don’t ask me what they were – I know he planted 10 purple Echinacea, but I don’t remember the other two…and of course, two of the three weren’t bulbs, they were rhizomes. The third was definitely a bulb, however. So all of the rhizomes got planted – but we’ve got 30 of the bulbs to still scatter. I’ll do my best to get them in the ground in the front this coming week…
The air was crisp, cool but not cold. The sky was impossibly blue, and the sun gentle on my face. Doing the work – weeding, planting, getting my fingers deep into the soil (which I did!) – was somehow life-affirming. Rejuvenating. Not to mention, damned good exercise. I didn’t get the writing done that I had wanted, but the time outside in the sunshine was very well spent.
SPEAKING OF WINE…(weren’t we?)
The other thing I did this weekend was to taste some Rieslings. I’ve got one more to go, but to my surprise I’m enjoying them. I thought they would be too sweet for me – but for sipping wine, they are spot on. I look forward to the discussion on them this week!
Another wine note – a winery contacted me and asked me if I’d like to taste and review a bottle of wine they’re just putting out – a new blend. After I picked my jaw up from the floor, I answered back but of course! And they have sent me a bottle of the wine, without me paying a dime. Very cool, what? Unfortunately I haven’t had time to taste it, what with this weekend being dedicated to tasting Riesling (thanks to Kathy Bennett, lol). However, I got to taste another wine on Friday that will go well review-wise with the donated bottle, so I look forward to bringing those thoughts to you.
Now, its almost time for dinner. The NY and San Francisco game is 17 to 17 with 30 seconds left in the game. JoePa has died. Hubby is gearing up for another week on Christian Slater’s new show, BREAKING IN, which also stars Megan Mullaly.
May your coming week hold love and laughter, and – as a dear friend of mine always says – “seek joy, y’all”. Seek joy, indeed!
~ Demon Soul is available for the Kindle and the Nook! Have you read it yet? ~
by Christine | Life, Observations
Happy Day 1 of 2012!
I’m not one for goals. I don’t do resolutions anymore. Why? I don’t want to feel like an abject failure when I look back, 12 months from now, to see my goals and resolutions as I had originally set them, not yet crossed-off my list.
I much prefer looking forward. So in that frame of mind, here’s what I’m looking forward to for 2012.
I look forward to an active, healthy life and lifestyle. I look forward to writing, and publishing several books. I look forward to hearing the plays I wrote read aloud this year.
I look forward to meeting new people and making new friends, whether in person or online; for I firmly believe you can never have too many friends. I look forward to opportunities to expand my knowledge – of myself, of writing, of the mysteries in the world.
I look forward to celebrating my friends’ successes and to watching my sons spread their wings. I look forward to laughing, and reading, and watching the fire in my hearth. I look forward to another year of a deepening love, one I couldn’t have imagined 35 years ago.
And I’m really looking forward to dealing with whatever life decides to dish out to me this year. Now, to begin my year on a solid note, I shall go for a jog. And when I return, I shall make healthy pancakes for the family.
Happy New Year. Sending much love and many hugs from my home to yours. What are you looking forward to this year?
by Christine | Life, Observations
It’s begun. The rush to the holiday season is upon us. Madness in the form of turkey recipes, shopping lines, or the perfect gift for the frenemy in the office is descending upon everyone who has enough money in their pockets to be concerned about such things.
Holiday decorations. Pies. Uncle Jack’s drinking problem and Aunt Sally’s really bad wig. Underdone turkey and burned dinner rolls. One half of the family not talking to the other half, but both halves coming to YOUR house. Working too hard at work. Not having a job to go to. Battling your own sense of entitlement while trying to curb your kids’ “gimme” attitude. Battling your sense of despair while wondering how to provide a special, memorable time for your kids when the cash isn’t there. There’s a reason the holiday season accounts for more cases of depression than any other time of year, and strangely enough a lot of it seems to revolve around the having, or the lack, of money.
I’ve got the beginning of a solution. It doesn’t matter how much money you have in your pocket; it’s not a complete solution, either, and I’m pretty sure I’ve stolen this from someone else. But it’s a start. Ready?
Breathe. Take a few deep breaths. Stop your kitchen/shopping/bill-worrying madness. Go outside, spread your arms wide, breathe deeply. Feel the sun (or, if it’s night, the chill) on your face, and give thanks for being able to breathe. If you can, get your hands into the dirt. Plant something, or pull weeds. If there’s snow where you are, burn some frustrations off by building a snowman of any size (NOT as easy as it seems). Remember, you are not your bank balance. Remember to laugh!
Next, understand your place in the world – not in “bank account” terms, but in geologic terms. The mountain you can see outside your window (or the ocean, the plain, the forest, the desert) doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your Aunt Fanny’s tendency to blurt out uncomfortable truths at the dinner table. In fifty years, will anyone still be alive to remember the upside-down pumpkin pie on the kitchen floor, or that your child dumped hot gravy down your mom’s silk dress? Um, probably not. In the grand scheme of things, and whether you’re religious or not, as the decades pass the stuff that has your guts tied up in knots today won’t matter. They just won’t.
Does that mean that what you do doesn’t matter? Of course not. Kindness wins over selfishness. Happy memories win over mere things. Love – shared, expressed, and heartfelt, wins over all the pettiness that this time of year can call out in people.
I worry. Don’t for a minute think I’m immune. I worry about what to give my family this Christmas – my boys are grown, so the toys of previous years aren’t appropriate. My hubby and I have everything we need, really. How to make this year special? I don’t know, but I’m determined to figure it out. I will never say I’m not a worrier.
But… the old adage “you can’t change the things that happen – you can only change your attitude toward them” is true. So I worry, then I put it away. Nothing I can do about it, so I look to the bright side of things. I know “the papers will show up in the mail”. I know “you’ll get the job”. I know, deep in my heart, that what I TRULY desire, as long as I focus on having it, will come about. It may not be in the package I think it should be, but it’ll be there. All I have to do is accept it.
So what it comes down to is, you have a choice. You can handle the holidays the way you’ve always handled them – spend too much, eat too much, bicker too much, worry too much, get pulled in a dozen different directions and battered by everyone else’s opinion on how you should live your life – OR…
You can Breathe. Resolve to put worry away, even if it’s just for a few hours at a time. Share your love. Let your family, friends, heck even your boss (if it’s appropriate) know how much you appreciate them. Change your attitude about things that normally get you tense or upset (in 100 years, will this matter?!). Let loose your inner Pollyanna. If ever there’s a time to play the Glad Game, it’s now. Go around the dinner table. What are you Glad about this year? If (or when) it degenerates into a bitter-fest, sit back and laugh, because heck – why not?
Wishing you love, and joy, and peace. Wishing you the perfect memories of the upcoming, imperfect, holidays. Wishing for you the gift of laughter, good health, and good friends. Sending hugs out into the world to all my friends, old, new, and not-yet-met.
by Christine | Life, Observations
Thanks to David Hood for the photo - http://www.hourglasses.com/
I will not lie. I LOVE the time changes. I hope the government never gets rid of “Spring ahead, fall back”. There is something so urgent and hopeful about spring, moving the clock ahead, seeing daylight after getting home from the day job. Having the soft spring light in the early evening to wander in the garden, or to plant, weed, hover, dream in the half-light that happens (for me) between getting home from work and having to start dinner.
In fall, it’s even better. By November I’m tired of the heat, the unrelenting sun, the dry winds. Give me rains, and chilly weather. Give me a reason to wear sweaters here in southern California. I’m ready for it to be light at 5am. Let me enjoy the rare night fire, the family gathered around, mulled wine and hot cider available for everyone. (Trader Joe’s has a WONDERFUL spiced apple cider that is FABULOUS when heated.)
This year, I was doubly blessed on the night of the time change. Hubby and I went to an L.A. Kings game last night (hockey – we lost to the Penguins, waddle waddle) and due to overtime and a shootout, plus some nasty traffic on the 5 northbound (a big truck overturned and leaking oil/fuel/something flammable anyway, closed ALL lanes), we didn’t get home until 12:30am. Hubby had to leave home again at 4am, due to working on a USC grad student’s film in the Angeles Forest.
Luckily, because of the day, we just set the clock back. Which gave us time – him to figure out where he was going and to play his new Taylor GS Mini (which he ADORES), and me to make a quick breakfast for him to eat on the road (peanut butter and honey sandwich, apple, banana, and two tangerines). An hour (and a couple glasses of wine – oh, and some fresh popcorn) later, we were in bed. I think I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.
When I woke, Hubby was long gone. I looked outside – it had rained in the night. The clouds were still thick in the sky – I went back to bed for another hour, because I could. For me, “winter” had arrived. It stayed in the 50’s at my house today; the sky was dark by 5pm. Tomorrow morning, when I leave for work, I’ll have to re-learn how to drive when the sun is barely on the horizon and then SLAMS me in the face unexpectedly. When I come home, I’ll have to deal with driving in thick traffic at night along with everyone else, who has forgotten how. In a month, we’ll all have adjusted.
But my day today was an enchanted one, filled with the dripping eaves and a rainbow, the scent of fresh rain and rosemary and a woodfire in someone else’s hearth. It was a day for dawdling and indulging. I dawdled over the newspaper, reading every section of the Los Angeles Times (thin though it is nowadays). I made breakfast for my even later-rising son. I indulged in watching a video, and then did some writing/editing. I made plans for dinner, thanks to romance writer Christina Dodd’s post about macaroni and cheese. I took my son driving, and then went on a long walk (and I even did some very slow jogging – the legbone is feeling strong now).
The hubby came home, having spent the day being snowed on, rained on, sleeted on, then
thanks to http://www.bigfoto.com/themes/nature/winter/
more snow, all while they were filming. He had a big grin on his face though, and the merrily crackling fire in the fireplace just about made his night. Until I handed him some hot spiced wine. Then he fell in love with me all over again.
So, yes, I LOVE the time change. Yes my body takes awhile to adjust – it’s not even nine pm where I am and I was ready for sleep 30 minutes ago. But you know what? I don’t care. It’s a definite shift of the seasons for me, and in a world of perpetual sunshine, the fall’s “fall back” is a lovely signpost to slow down. A breather, if you will, between school starting, and the full swing of the holiday season.
~ Until the next time, cheers – and remember to drink responsibly! ~
My first novel, Demon Soul, is available for the Kindle and the Nook! It makes GREAT Holiday gifts!!! *hint hint* lol!
